Woman Plans to Have Most of Her Body Parts Removed Thanks to Actress Angelina Jolie

Knocking out good judgement!

Egg Harbor Township, NJ – An area woman confessed today that she was planning on likely removing most of her body parts thanks to the seemingly extremely brave actress Angelina Jolie.

Ashley Peterson told Unsolicited Drivel, “I’m not going to waste my money on having the $3,000 genetic testing, I’m just going have my boobs removed. If it’s good enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s good enough for me. I don’t even have any family history of the breast cancer. Plus, I can't use my boobs to get work as a stripper because I'm very religious and don't want to try heroin.  That's the only occupation I can find that's hiring around my area.  I’m also thinking of removing my ovaries, my uterus, and my armpits too thanks to Angie.  I don’t even like her movies. Have you noticed that they are kind of about really depressing stuff and most of the people are all sad? I just figure if she’s stellar  enough steal a guy like Brad Pitt, I should do exactly what she does. Even though she confesses she doesn’t have a single female girl friend she can give life saving boob-removing advice to.  I don’t have insurance as like I said, I'm unemployed but I've just decided I'm going to loot my 401k because the notoriously private actress actually broke her silence. When Angie speaks, I listen. Although I'm told I'll have to see a plastic surgeon because superstar cancer surgeons seem to think I'm a moron.  By the way, as soon as Gwyneth Paltrow falls out of love with her colon because she suspects she might have a polyp, I’m yanking mine too!!

Coping With the Liberal Threat

I wrote this for Leon G.

Happy Mother's Day Weekend! (NSFW)

Dude's Got a Point

(Via Tumblr)

Charles Ramsey in Dead Giveaway

I wondered how the Gregory brothers would pull this off.  Is it bad taste? I think they did it fine.

Too bad we can't give Charles Knigthood!

Olive Garden to Now REALLY Treat People Like Family

Orlando, FL – Executives at the restaurant chain the Olive Garden plan to roll out an even more intensive marketing plan to attract customers by treating them like family – this time FOR REAL.

A new branding executive for the chain told Unsolicited Drivel, “In today’s America many people have moved far away from relatives because of being alienated or to avoid elder care duties and can’t begrudgingly spend poor quality holidays together because airlines are now committing fiscal anal rape. So these folks are probably missing the normal amount of ridicule there are accustomed to. We are re-training our servers to provide the missing criticism. Some family-like reminders could include: hey, keep your elbows off the table; don’t talk with your mouth full; why are you making that face at me? Don't know it could freeze that way? For teenagers the server can criticize the kid’s taste in the Twilight franchise and tell them how much it's for dorks and that if they were really cool, they would be reading the Hunger Games instead.  And speaking of hunger, we will stop serving portions more fit for Paul Bunyon or the 'diabetes delights' as we call them in the boardroom and then the server will remind customers that people are starving in China and other countries they can't locate on a map without their smart phones. But to give it a modern twist, the server will also cite statistics of how many Americans are on food stamps and get in a fight with them over politics.  Of course for extra special customers we could also have the server ask: why are you still single; you’ve failed the bar exam exactly how times; and the timeless classic: why don’t you just give up and get a civil service job? We think this extra personal touch will attract more customers to the Olive Garden instead of just apologizing for our food sucking the way Domino's did.”

Please Give Charles Ramsey his Own Realty Show Now

I'd watch him just barbeque ribs!

Prisoners Help Each Other Decide Where to Commit Crimes Via Yelp

Need to get a handle on which city to commit a crime in should you get caught and do time?!? Well, the on-line ratings site Yelp can help!  That’s right.  Prisoners across the country are now posting their reviews about the facilities where they are incarcerated.

Joe B. of Riker’s Island: Man, privatization has killed the coolness of this place.  And the menu too.  It used to be pork and beans, but now that they are all about making a profit, it’s roaches and rice like every night.

Jethro G. of Lewisburg Penitentiary: Not rapey enough. IMHO. LOL!

Jesus C. of  California Correctional Center: Overcrowding is worse than being jammed into a van with 45 amigos. B.O. is out of control! Plus, they can’t make a decent Mole sauce to save their lives!

Jake B. of Joliet Prison: The bed bugs keep me busy. I’ll say that much. I like to pick the scabs and send them through the U.S. mail to ex-girlfriends. Did you know that’s illegal? It sure as hell is! So I’m still living a life of crime while DOING TIME!  Ha! And if you are a fan of self-hatred as I am you can pretty much guarantee getting beaten up in the yard just by showing up.

LaMar G. of Baltimore City: Not enough access to Smack. WTF? This big house is whack!